I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
