i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
