I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
