Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
