You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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