I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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