god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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