why didn't you poke me back
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
