So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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