Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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