Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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