Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
