ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
