when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
