He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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