I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
