He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
