He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
