she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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