i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
