There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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