Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
