You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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