I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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