I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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