I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
