so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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