She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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