i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
