and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
