You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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