We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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