he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We're too hungover to prance.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
