whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
