His pubic hair was longer than his dick
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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