I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
