she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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