I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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