Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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