I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
