I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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