Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
