Can Purell be used as lube?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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