Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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