Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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