take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to make out with him forever
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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