Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
