why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
