I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
