I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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