Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
sarcasm needs its own font
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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