I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
